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Post by carson on Feb 8, 2011 16:49:15 GMT -10
 just talk yourself up[/size] A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N - - - - - - - - - - - -Carson didn’t know why he wasn’t walking away. Okay, well, that was a lie. He didn’t want to leave. As much as she’d hurt him, he’d never stop caring about her. He knew that he was cursed with falling too hard, and that it was something he’d just have to deal with. Besides, who could blame him? Every time he saw her, his heart melted. The way her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, the way her hair cascaded over her shoulders like a golden waterfall… no to mention the way her smile lit up her face. And even though she hadn’t smiled once since he’d run into her here, he could still see it. He remembered what it looked like. He could remember nearly every detail about her. And that was even with his eyes closed.
He felt as though his hand was stuck against her skin. He couldn’t bring himself to take it away. He knew it might not have been the best thing to do for either of them. And even though she had said it was her own fault for ending things, he could tell that something was missing. Something that made her want to stay and talk to him. He didn’t know what it was, but on some level he was thrilled. Just the sheer thought that she wanted to stay and talk with him of all people, was comforting. His own gray-green eyes looked into her baby blues, trying to figure out what was hidden underneath them. He couldn’t see anything he could decipher easily. He wished he did, but he’d take whatever he could get at the moment.
Carson watched one of the falling snowflakes land on her cheek, tempted to brush it away. But he figured that might send both of them overboard. It was hard enough to touch her. He sighed softly against the gust of wind, the noise carried off into the air. He wasn’t surprised that she snapped. If she’d been dealing with this for so long, he knew it must be hard to think of her mother being loving in any way. He felt bad that he hadn’t known about it before. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe if she had known that he wasn’t perfect, that he had his flaws, maybe she would think he was worth to keep around. All it was a maybe though. Not a definite yes. He really wished it was, but that was all in the past.
He looked into her eyes again as she spoke. He understood why she was confused. He would be too if he was placed in that situation. “I’m sorry you had to go through that… I really am. But deep down… I’m sure she does love you. Like I did…” He swallowed, dropping his hand and stepping back a bit. It hurt to say that. He had loved her, still did. But he couldn’t tell her that. it would just turn him into a pathetic kid who could wrap his mind around the fact that the relationship was over. There wasn’t anything he could do or say to make her change her mind. Not that he knew of at least. He’d never ask her to be together again. He couldn’t. It’d look like he was desperate. That he couldn’t be without her. While that was true, he still had enough pride to not want to grovel.
NOTES: dun dun dun...! WORDS: --- TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center] |
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Post by zaryn kate oliver on Feb 9, 2011 15:13:57 GMT -10
his eyes were so perfect and just the right amount of grey mixed in with the green and they were pulling her in, and she couldn't look away. "i'm sorry you had to go through that," he told her quietly. "i really am." ha. because he hadn't gone through worse, she was just learning now, today, standing in the snow... what she had to deal with on a daily basis was nothing in comparison to death threats or whatever the hell the rest of his family had done to him --
"but deep down... i'm sure she does love you." a pause. what came next made zaryn forget all about the previous topic of conversation. "like i did."
that one word crushed her. did. past tense. as in, not anymore. carson let his hand drop from where it had still been holding her chin, stepping back, away from her.
why did she even care? how many times did she need to remind herself that she was the one who ended it? general relationship laws dictated that she shouldn't be the one being crushed by that one little word.
especially since she wasn't even sure if she'd loved him. yes, she'd said she had, back then -- but did people who were in love constantly think about their ex-boyfriend when they were with the new one? no. the answer to that came to zaryn's mind immediately, before she could even finish asking herself the question.
"carson..." she wasn't sure if he heard her; the wind picked up a little, tossing her blonde curls around a little, and maybe snatching up his name and carrying it away. "i'm sorry." how many times did she need to say it before his face wouldn't look like that anymore? why couldn't the expression in his eyes just go away? or, at the very least, why couldn't she force herself to look away? "i shouldn't have done that to you." he would know what she meant by that.
word count; three thirty two
wearing; this
muse; the way i loved you, taylor swift
notes; i seriously hate school. just sayin'
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Post by carson on Feb 13, 2011 10:48:26 GMT -10
just talk yourself up [/size] A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N - - - - - - - - - - - -Carson started to remember why he’d always fallen for her eyes. They were such a deep blue, mirroring the deepest seas. They were one of the things he had loved most about her. He still did. But he couldn’t tell her that. What good would that do? Show her that he was still miserable about everything and that all he wanted was to be able to hold her close again? He highly doubted she’d be even remotely receptive to the idea. He was surprised she even let him get this close and touch her, albeit briefly. Shouldn’t she be pushing him away? She was the one that left, after all…
He didn’t want to see the look on her face as he mentioned his love for her as a past tense. He had loved her, more than he should have. And he still did. But now it was mixed with hurt and confusion. But he had to try to make it seem like he was trying to move on. There wasn’t really any other option. If this wasn’t such a depressing conversation, he might have enjoyed being out here in the snow. Watching how the flakes fell, washing everything around them in a soft layer of powder. It was so rare here. He missed being able to be out with her, just hanging out.
Carson sighed lightly as she apologized again. She really needed to stop doing that. His hands dug deeper into his pockets, the bit of fringe of his hair poking from under his hat waving with the wind. He tried to center himself, getting every emotion in check. “Not like I change it… besides I suppose I screwed myself for falling too hard…” He bit his lower lip lightly. “I still.. love you Zaryn.. but I’m trying to move on.” He sighed, shuffling his feet in the snow that was piling around them. He knew he was posing a risk telling her that, but he needed to get it off his chest.
NOTES: sorry for the wait! WORDS: --- TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center] |
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Post by zaryn kate oliver on Feb 15, 2011 16:36:53 GMT -10
she stared at him with big blue eyes while he sighed, shoved his hands in his pockets... there was a long, drawn-out silence. the kind that zaryn had always hated. she was more of a loud music and screaming fans type of girl -- not that she had any fans. a total of seven subscribers on youtube, and only one of them was really dedicated in any way, shape, or form. that thirteen year old kid from minnesota or something like that, the one who gave every video of zee singing a thumbs up and commented on each one. creepy -- but hey, at least he liked her.
"not like i change it," he mumbled unintelligibly. what was he trying to say? "because i suppose i screwed myself for falling too hard." damn it! falling too hard -- what was that supposed to mean? that he'd fallen in love with her? as in, real love? not just the kind where you said i love you when you weren't sure if you did or not?
that was the kind of love zee had had for him.
he opened his mouth again. "i still... love you, zaryn." she froze. stood as still as a statue, except it was a statue made of ice, and she was slowly, slowly melting... "but i'm trying to move on." he kicked the snow lightly, eyes cast down.
well, shit.
god, why did he have to go and tell her that? zaryn could only stand there in the softly-falling snow, her legs freezing in the gap between her high socks and her denim shorts (a bad decision for today, it seemed), her lips slightly parted in shock, blue eyes even wider than before, if that was possible.
"i..." her voice trailed off before she could even form a coherent thought. five little words. that's all he'd said to make her feel like this. and what, exactly, was this? god, she wasn't even sure what this was.
and then, before she could stop herself, she took a tiny step closer to him, went up a little bit on the tips of her toes, and pressed her lips lightly to his.
word count; a whole bunch XD
wearing; this
muse; icarly (the kids i'm babysitting are watching it)
notes; awwweeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! btw, i hope her kissing him is okay :)
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Post by carson on Feb 20, 2011 17:21:18 GMT -10
just talk yourself up [/size] A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N - - - - - - - - - - - -Carson didn’t know what to do with himself. He was trying to get over Zaryn, but it wasn’t that easy to accomplish. He knew she’d have no trouble finding someone else. She had everything going for her. He couldn’t really see what he had to offer for anyone. Sure, he was sweet and could sing, but what good did that do if he was shy around most other people? He knew he was partially just mentally blocking himself, but still… he couldn’t even bring himself to look at her anymore. He knew that if he did, all he’d be doing to screwing over all the hell he’d already gone through to try to forget everything that had happened between them. Not that he was likely to ever forget any of it. It had been some of the best times of his life.
He knew that admitting to her that he still loved her wasn’t the brightest idea he’d ever had. It wasn’t like anything would change right? He knew that he should just be happy with what he had as of now, and just deal with the past like he dealt with most everything else. Repress it so it won’t bother you. He stared down at his feet, watching as more snow piled up around them. He still couldn’t believe it was actually snowing. He was so used to the lowest temperature being the low fifties at most during the winter. It was nice to actually have a real winter for once. He missed it. The only thing missing now was holiday music filtering through the air.
Carson kept his head down as he heard Zaryn trying to find something to say. There wasn’t anything to sat at this point. He looked up slightly as she shifted closer, not exactly sure why she’d do that. However, what happened next was something he never thought would happen. Her lips touching his. He was shocked, to say the least. But she had made the move he’d been aching to do for the past hour or so since they met. His frozen fingers raised to gently graze over her own icy cheeks, allowing the kiss to pull him in. He knew that this was probably only a pipe dream, but he loved it nonetheless. To be able to touch her this way again was something he missed so badly.
NOTES: sorry for the wait! WORDS: --- TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center] |
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Post by zaryn kate oliver on Feb 23, 2011 19:04:19 GMT -10
crap. why had she done that? she shouldn't have. she was only just realizing what he'd said; he was trying to get over her. and this, her kissing him -- she doubted that it would help. but it was too late now, right?
she should pull away, before anything else happened to ruin everything he'd apparently been working so hard to achieve. step back, run away, as fast as she could go. that was what she should do. it would make everything better. it would make it so she didn't have to see his expression when she pulled away from him. but she couldn't find it in herself to do that. what if it hurt him more? what if it hurt her more? she wasn't sure if she'd be able to deal with that.
his fingers brushed her cheeks, pulling her just a little closer; zaryn wasn't going to complain about that. this feeling was so familiar to her -- she was used to not being able to breathe like this. in a good way. zaryn was accustomed to the way that kissing carson williams made her heart skip a beat, speed up, or nearly stop altogether. he could make any of those things happen just with a touch, and she'd nearly forgotten that.
slowly, she pulled back, not too far, finding that without even realizing it, she had somehow wrapped her arms around him, her fingers locking together at the back of his neck. she stared at him for a moment now, blue eyes meeting perfectly green-grey, and then, very suddenly, she untangled herself from him and took a step back. "oh, my god..." it came out as a whisper. without even a second thought as to what he was going to think about it, she turned away, her feet unable to move. just stood there in the softly falling snow, her back to carson, lips and mind numb, staring straight ahead and trying to gather her thoughts.
word count; a bunch...?
wearing; this
muse; raise your glass, p!nk
notes; hehe.
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Post by carson on Feb 26, 2011 18:10:52 GMT -10
just talk yourself up [/size] A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N - - - - - - - - - - - -Carson had no idea what was going on anymore. As far as he was concerned, he had no more chances with Zaryn. To have her kiss him… it was something he never thought he’d ever have again. He wasn’t the best when it came to mixed signals. He didn’t know what she really wanted now. A million questions ran through his head. Did she still care about him? was she really sorry about what had happened and just thought it was a stupid mistake? Or did she want to just screw with him? He highly doubted the latter option. She was too sweet for that. She’d always been the sweet one. Of course, her breaking his heart hadn’t been sweet, but still…
He couldn’t help but want to keep her here with him like this. To hold her for the next few minutes, just being with her. He knew that it might not happen, but he liked to dream. The feel of her skin against his fingers was something he missed so much. Even if her cheeks were icy, they still burned his own skin. He could feel her arms move to rest around his shoulders, wanting to move closer. There was already a faint line between them, but it was still a space he wanted to close. But he didn’t know what this meant, or where it was going to go. And he wanted to know that more than anything else at that present time.
Carson wanted this to be an opportunity to be with her again, but he knew that it was probably only a dream. His fingers slid from her cheeks as he felt her pull away, the taste of her lips lingering on his own. It was frozen there, kept for a few minutes in complete perfection. His eyes focused back on Zaryn’s face, trying to read what she might be thinking at that moment. He couldn’t even think himself. He didn’t know what to say. He really just wanted to kiss her again. But he figured that doing that might not be in his best interest until he knew what was really going on.
His eyebrows rose slightly as she whispered. "oh, my god..." He couldn’t think of anything to say but that either. Although, it seemed it was a different context, seeing as she immediately turned her back to him. He bit his lower lip, before stepping closer, placing his hands lightly on her shoulders. “Zaryn… what’s going on…?”
[/b] He really wanted to know why she kissed him. He didn’t want to wait for her to respond if her back was turned towards him. He moved to stand in front of her, his gray-green eyes filled with questions. He did want her back, even though he knew it was best to let her go. But something was keeping his memories of them alive.[/size][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote] NOTES: these two are just... ridiculous WORDS: --- TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center] |
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Post by zaryn kate oliver on Feb 27, 2011 12:52:22 GMT -10
she hadn't looked at him for long enough before she'd turned around to tell what he was thinking. now, as she closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to stare at all the happy people around her, she could only picture what she thought carson might look like right now. confused, probably. hell, she was confused. she could see his face in her mind, smiling, the face she remembered from before. only she couldn't figure out what to change in the picture that she saw on the insides of her eyelids to make it fit what must be behind her right now.
it almost tempted her to turn around. to look at him properly, just so her mind could rest easy after formulating the right facial expression to fit him. but she couldn't do that, could she?
she tensed, just a little bit, as she felt his hands on her shoulders. for a moment, she was afraid -- or excited, she couldn't tell which -- that he was going to spin her around to face him again. her heart skipped a beat, but nothing happened. just zee, standing in the snow with her eyes closed, and carson, behind her, hands on the shoulders of her leather jacket.
"zaryn... what's going on?" he asked hesitantly, his voice coming from directly behind her. ha. like she knew! she wondered if the people walking past them, feet crunching along in the snow, were looking at them, trying to figure out what was going on. were they more successful than she was?
maybe she should open her eyes, to see if they were. if there were even people walking past her at all, or if she was just imagining the sound of footsteps in the snow. if carson was still there, because he had taken his hands off of her shoulders. did she want him to still be there? god, she wasn't even sure. carefully, slowly, zee opened her eyes --
and there he was, standing right in front of her, pretty perfect eyes staring right into hers. it was overwhelming, the confusion clouding his expression. god, she was one of those girls, wasn't she? the kind that played sick, twisted mind games with guys just for fun. only this wasn't for fun. zaryn wasn't trying to play any mind games at all. she didn't even know what she was doing!
"i don't know," she whispered, unsure how much time had passed since he'd asked his first of what was sure to be many questions. awkwardly, avoiding his gaze, she ran one hand through her hair, brushing out some snow that had caught there. she stared straight ahead, not daring to look up into his eyes again. only with her height, she was basically just staring at his lips, and that really wasn't helping her think clearly.
"i'm sorry," mumbled zaryn, trying very hard to pronounce the words well enough for him to hear her. why did she have to keep aplogizing? it wasn't fair. "i... i don't know what's happening. i don't know what i'm doing right now..." did i just kiss you? no, she wasn't going to ask that. she knew the answer perfectly well already. "i'm... really confused."
word count; five thirty seven
wearing; this
muse; i know you won't, carrie underwood
notes; they're perfect for each other! equally screwed up. ;)
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Post by carson on Mar 8, 2011 8:56:58 GMT -10
just talk yourself up [/size] A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N - - - - - - - - - - - -Carson didn’t know what to say now. Much less what he was going to do. He had just kissed the girl he was trying to forget, and this really wasn’t helping his efforts. He still loved her, how could he not? She wasn’t that easy to forget. All he could think of was all their times together… before the ugliness happened. The way they used to just walk around, laughing and holding hands. The perfection that was her laugh when he made a stupid joke. Although, he hadn’t been in much of a joking mood lately. Part of it was because of this, but also in part because he was trying to really focus on his music. He couldn’t afford distractions.
He wanted to make sure he had a shot after he got out of the school. Playing music was the only thing that really kept him going. It didn’t matter if it was family or girl related, or even school related. As long as he had his bass, and a notebook full of songs, he was happier. If he didn’t have those, he’d be a complete wreck. He had no other real hobbies that he could fashion into careers. Yes, he liked to run, liked to surf, to just be active. But there was only so much you could do with that. And career wise? Not a chance at all. At least not for him. He was immune to the looks they were getting. He was aware they looked a bit ridiculous just standing there in the snow and not moving off to find some shelter from it.
Carson was perfectly fine standing there looking like an idiot. He didn’t even register being cold at that moment anyway. All he wanted right now was to figure out what was going on with Zaryn. He could see the confusion in her own eyes, wanting more than anything to make it go away. He just didn’t know how. How was he supposed to respond to this? He knew what he wanted to do, but they were over right? A soft sigh slipped through his lips as Zaryn said she didn’t know what was going on either. Well, hell… that wasn’t helpful at all. He thought she’d have something more to say than that, since she had initiated that kiss.
“I’m sorry.” What was she sorry for? Hearing her trying to find the right things to say made him only want to hold her close. To say everything was okay, and that everything would be fine. But he didn’t know that. How could it be okay if this meant nothing? He didn’t just feel nothing when her lips had touched his. He’d felt like he used to when they’d been together. His hands shoved back down into his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “Yeah… I’m confused too.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say. He wanted to suggest trying them out again, wanted her to give him another chance. Somehow, he doubted she’d even be open to the idea. After all, she’d been the one to end it.
NOTES: so sorry for the wait!!! WORDS: --- TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center] |
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Post by zaryn kate oliver on Mar 15, 2011 18:05:45 GMT -10
it was lightning fast, the way that the inspiration hit her as she stood there in the snow with carson williams, so awkwardly, like the two of them had never been comfortable around each other. all of that was in the past, last year, before christmas. and now, just like that, there was a song forming in zee's mind. your guard is up and i know why: 'cause the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. you gave me roses and i left them there to die...
hmm. that couldn't be the beginning of the song, but it wasn't all that common for zaryn to write her songs in order of how they ended up being. i miss you... no, that didn't sound quite right. as zaryn stood there in the gently falling snow, she was too aware of that, of the way that she needed something, words to that effect but different -- not too much different -- perfect. a song had to be perfect. your sweet smile, so good to me, so right. and how you held me in your arms that september night, the first time you ever saw me cry...
carson sighed and sat back on his heels, and she almost wanted to reach out and let her fingers close around the fabric of his jacket so she could keep him from falling away from her. or... not falling. not quite. he was only leaning a little bit away, like it was too foreign of an idea to be close enough to touch. "yeah... i'm confused, too," he said finally.
zaryn was out of energy to apologize more. she'd already said she was sorry about a million times; was she supposed to keep going? this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying i'm sorry for that night, and i go back to december all the time... well, not all the time. mainly just since she'd seen him sitting on the bench as the snow began to fall --
was it strange for her to want to be with him again? to be able to go back, to when they were both happy, to when things were normal and perfect, before she'd gone and messed everything up? it turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing i'd realized what i had when you were mine... "um..." she mumbled, her heartbeat speeding up as she met his eyes. say it, zaryn, the voice in the back of her mind shouted at her. more voices joined in, the voices of everyone she knew coming out from her mind until it was an unintelligible yammering of a million different nameless people, and without being able to actually hear what they were all saying to her, she knew what they wanted her to do.
before she could stop herself, before she could over-analyze the situation and decide that it was a bad idea, she found herself saying, "can we go back?" i go back to december, turn around and make it all right... i go back to december, turn around and change my own mind... i go back to december all the time...
word count; a bunch :)
wearing; this
muse; mamma mia... here i go again... my my...
notes; sorry for the wait... :P
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