Call It Intuition~

[carson]

just talk yourself up

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A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N
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Carson didn’t want to deal with any of this. It was bad enough he had fallen for the girl and have it blow up in his face. But it also didn’t help that the guy he had tried to help her forget was his own roommate. He had almost debated switching into a different room, but then thought that it might look like he was running away. And he wasn’t going to prove he was that worried about his own sanity. He was still surprised that his roommate hadn’t really given much of a passing nod when he’d started dating zaryn. He kept his face emotionless as he spoke, not wanting her to see how much it hurt to be near her. As much of a wreck that he was, he did still want her to be happy. Even if it meant that he’d be miserable for a while.

The snow seemed to fall harder as he walked away from her, the chill in the air starting to numb his entire body. He could hear her call his name, but didn’t stop. no. this was not going to go further. He shoved his hands back into his jacket pockets, his shoulders hunched against the wind that had started to blow. It was sad that this had happened today. The snow looked really pretty, and if he hadn’t seen her, he might have stopped and looked around, to enjoy it. At least the cold made him a bit numb to his surroundings too. his eyes widened slightly as he felt contact on his wrist. And he knew it was a tree or anything. Why was she touching him?

Carson had to stop then. His body didn’t turn, didn’t look at her. He didn’t know what she was trying to pull. Wasn’t it bad enough having to talk to her? He gritted his teeth, his gray-green eyes flicking towards her. Her fault? No, it was never the girls fault. In his mind at least. Unless it was something obvious, the girl was never at fault. “If you think it’s your fault, then I better be getting a bloody explanation as to why.” He knew he sounded a bit harsh, but if she really thought she was at fault, he wanted to know why she thought that. he couldn’t believe that it’d be her fault. He had to have done something wrong that made her believe they wouldn’t last.

NOTES: i just want to run over and hug him..
WORDS: ---
TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!
CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center]

[zaryn kate oliver]

very suddenly, he stopped walking, but he didn't look at her. zaryn could see the way his jaw was set, and she knew what look he would have on his face right at that particular moment. the look that meant he didn't know what was going on, and he didn't really even want to know, and he couldn't think of what he was supposed to do in response. "if you think it's your fault, then i better be getting a bloody explanation as to why," he told her harshly.

it hurt that he still wouldn't look at her. but she stared at the back of his head anyways, not daring to let go of his wrist because she didn't think she would be able to stand watching him walk away from her for the third time in one day. in one hour. zee knew she would find it beyond hard to explain, but she didn't care. she had to try, for the sake of her sanity, at the very least, and maybe for his.

"i just --" zaryn cut off her own words abruptly, realizing exactly how complicated the entire situation was. the fact that she'd been with shane, the fact that for some bizarre reason, she had missed fighting with him all the time. how confusing it was that carson, his roommate, had been the one to comfort her, and how she could barely even remember the transition from carson as a friend to carson as a boyfriend. how pathetic she'd been, how she'd had the perfect guy, and ruined it all by always wishing that he was shane instead. and, of course, how she'd eventually figured out that she actually needed to be with a guy who wasn't exactly the definition of good.

"i couldn't do it," she whispered, blue eyes fixed on the back of his head. "i couldn't. you... you were the one who was perfect, not me. and i couldn't take it anymore. i didn't... didn't deserve you." what a pathetic job of explaining you do, zaryn shouted at herself. pathetic.

word count; three forty six
wearing; this
muse; haunted, taylor swift
notes; ugh. exams. :/

[carson]

just talk yourself up

[/size]
A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Carson didn’t know why she was wasting her breath talking to him. It wasn’t like everything was magically going to get better. He wasn’t getting her back, he knew that. He could never get that lucky. He knew that the best thing for him to do would be to move on, find someone else. But he was go close to getting out of the school that he wasn’t sure if getting in a relationship was worth the price if it would possibly end in a couple years. He didn’t want to look at her, afraid that the expression on her face after hearing him snap at her would tear him into more pieces. And the last thing he wanted today was to go back to his room with another broken heart. Especially with his roommate there.

The muscles in his wrist tensed a bit under her touch, wanting to pull away but not being able to. As upset as he was about being here alone with her after everything that happened, and as much as her touch hurt, he craved it. He missed her touch. Missed the way they could sit, curled up the couch, her head against his shoulder as they watched some stupid comedy on the TV. The way her skin felt when his fingers ran over her. Everything he could imagine that was perfect, all set inside her body. So even though he wanted to crumble into a pile of dust, he didn’t want her to let go. His mind was whirling at miles a minute, thinking back to everything they’d gone through. It was crazy to think that something so wonderful had ended to badly.

Carson bit his lower lip slightly as she started to talk. Or tried to at least. He couldn’t understand why she just couldn’t spit it out. His eyes softened a bit when she said it wasn’t him that had ruined everything. That he had been perfect and she couldn’t take it. He turned to face her slightly, the look of pain in his eyes replaced by questioning. “Didn’t deserve me? Why on earth would you think that? And I was far from perfect Zaryn. I had my own issues.” He didn’t want her to blame herself, no matter how badly it had ended. He supposed part of it was his pride and not wanting to be the one that had been dumped, but he pushed past that easily. But if she was as upset about this as he was, he didn’t want her to beat herself up about it.

NOTES: they're so pathetic, it's cute..
WORDS: ---
TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!
CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center]

[zaryn kate oliver]

she watched as he dug his teeth into his lower lip. how many times had she kissed those lips? not that zaryn had any time to think about that now; she was preoccupied with how his eyes were losing the hard, scary quality they'd had moments before and now he was actually looking at her. "didn't deserve me?" he asked curiously. "why on earth would you think that?" because it's true. "and i was far from perfect, zaryn," he went on. "i had my own issues."

ha. carson had issues? and she hadn't known about them? they couldn't be all that bad, then. he couldn't possibly be as messed up as zee knew she was. she'd bet anything that he didn't have a mother who hated him. that his mom didn't yell at him constantly about how he was a mistake, how he was unwanted. that he didn't have to call his father navy blue sheets because that was the only thing he knew about the guy. of course, zaryn had never told him any of that. he'd just known that she was all screwed up about shane. carson hadn't known anything about zaryn's mother. why should she have told him? she didn't want to tell anyone what a bitch her mom was. she'd rather keep that to herself.

kind of. she kind of wanted to tell someone -- she just knew that no one would believe her. because when it wasn't just zee and her mom, brielle oliver was the kindest, sweetest mother anyone could ever imagine having. nobody ever came over to zee's house anymore. she never invited her 'friends' from bouscher to visit during summer break or anything. it wasn't as though she had any real friends, anyways. zaryn knew that much. nobody wanted her.

"i don't think you can even possibly be as screwed up as i am," zaryn whispered. she didn't raise her voice even a tiny bit, and she wasn't sure if he'd be able to hear her properly. but she didn't trust her voice not to shake if she spoke any louder than a whisper. "you didn't even really know me. you knew about shane, and that's about it, really."

word count; too lazy to count...
wearing; this
muse; the night before (life goes on), carrie underwood
notes; they really are. :P

[carson]

just talk yourself up

[/size]
A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Carson wasn’t sure why this was happening to him. He felt bad enough having to live with the one person who he had tried to shelter her from. He knew she’d try to defend his being perfect, but he was far from it. Yes, every one had issues, but he figured his were high on the list. His parents had broken the status rules, marrying into classes that were frowned upon. He hardly ever talked to his brother, and the rest of the family had disowned them. He wanted to try to get every one to get along, but that just wasn’t happening the way he wanted. The only person it seemed he could count on completely was his little sister. So, honestly, what good could that do? True, he got along with his parents too, but it was hard when everyone else shunned you. In his family’s eyes, he and his siblings were no better than dust bunnies shoved under the couch.

So, in his eyes, Zaryn couldn’t possibly have worse issues than that. Of course, she’d never told him anything otherwise. Even though the break up had nearly killed him, he did realize that he didn’t know anything about her past. He knew what she liked, what she disliked, her favorite kisses, and her goals for her career but nothing about her past. He thought that maybe if he had known more, nothing would have ended. But that was just wishful thinking. Why would she tell him about herself now, if she hadn’t done so while they were dating? He knew he wasn’t that lucky. Why would he be? The best thing that had ever happened to him was now gone, and there was no coming back to it. The world just didn’t work that way, especially for him.

Carson couldn’t help but wonder if Shane had ever known about her past. He liked to think he was as clueless as he was about it, but they had been together longer, so he honestly didn’t know. He’d ask, but then it would sound as though he was just desperate to know more about the woman who shot his heart. No, he’d have to live with not knowing anything. It was probably best if he didn’t know anything anyway. He wouldn’t be as attached, so if something happened, his emotional attachment wouldn’t be as bad. He could deal with the disaster more calmly, keep his head level and just do what was necessary and nothing more.

He frowned slightly as she spoke again. Well, that was crap. He waited until she finished speaking, his eyebrows knitting together a bit. “At least your family hasn’t disowned you. To have move out of your home country to get away from the hate calls and letters with threats in them.” He knew he was being a bit dramatic in his admittance about his own family, but he knew that even if she had her own family issues, at least she wasn’t forced out of her own country because of it. He never liked to admit that the main reason he had left England was because the rest of his family said they were going to get even if they didn’t. His brother had stayed, but he kept himself under the radar. He couldn’t understand why he’d even want to stay. It was suicide.

NOTES: they are seriously messed up..
WORDS: ---
TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!
CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center]

[zaryn kate oliver]

carson frowned down at her, like he didn't believe her. like he thought he knew it all. which he most definitely didn't. unless zaryn was misreading the expression in his eyes, and there was something else entirely going through his mind. either way, carson was frowning down at her and she didn't want to meet his eyes, because those eyes were one of the many things that had drawn her to him.

"at least your family hasn't disowned you," he told her. no, she thought, but i'm well on my way. it was obvious that her mother hated her; how long would it be before zee would be able to say that she didn't have a family, anyways? "to have to move out of your home country to get away from the hate calls and letters with threats in them..."

at this particular moment, it struck her how little the two of them really knew about each other. they'd only known the latest -- what the other liked or didn't like or what their favourite colour was, what they wanted to do with their life, maybe even their middle names. which, now that zaryn thought about it, was pathetic. they'd said that they loved each other -- yet they didn't know anything about each other! it was so screwed up, she would have laughed if it hadn't been her.

but it was her. and now she was staring back up at him, shocked. "i'm sorry," she said quietly. "i didn't know." but she couldn't resist from telling him what was wrong with her life. of course, in zaryn's life there were no hateful phone calls or threatening letters... but it wasn't like her life was all that perfect, either. "i've never known my dad," she told him. why? why was she telling him anything? why was she even talking to him in the first place? it wasn't as if it was going to change anything that had happened in the past. "all my mom remembers about him is that he had navy blue sheets on his bed. and she hates me. she's always telling me that i was a mistake and she never wanted me..."

zee trailed off, her voice disappearing into the wind as it whipped around the two of them, playing with her blonde curls. she'd never told anyone that before. any of it. generally, she kept everything about her mom and her non-existent dad a secret. zaryn was the type of girl who was extremely hard to figure out -- at least, the zaryn beneath the guard was. she hated being interrogated, and she often took to simply shutting down when people tried to dig into her history. yet here she was, standing in the still-falling snow, letting her ex-boyfriend see the real her...

word count; too lazy to count...
wearing; this
muse; back to december, taylor swift
notes; god, they need their own tv show, haha.

[carson]

just talk yourself up

[/size]
A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N
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Carson couldn’t understand why everyone thought their lives were so bad. Most people he had ever met had a better family life than he could ever wish for. So what if they had fights with their siblings? Most family with more than one kid did that. That was completely normal. The only thing he had that seemed rare with most people was that his parents were still happily married. Most of his friends had parents that were divorced. Since his parents had been the ones to break the status quo, they were closer than most average families.

They didn’t want their family to break, knowing that if it did, the rest of the family would group together for a large ‘I told you so’ party. Bunch of lousy ingrates. Although, his older brother seemed to be more attuned to the staying away from everyone bit. He supposed it was smart, staying hidden away. He would have done that, but he wanted to move to the states instead. At the time it had just sounded like a better idea. He hadn’t regretted it yet and he liked where he was now. He pulled himself back into the current situation, watching the expression on his ex’s face turn to shock.

Okay, well, he did kind of spout out that information without easing into it like he normally would. He did push it into the conversation a bit more than he had anticipated. He shrugged as she apologized, his head ducking slightly to look down at the snow covering his shoes. It wasn’t her fault the rest of his family hated him. “Not your fault… besides, I’m used to it.” He didn’t blame his parents for any of the family drama. He was just full of admiration that they took that drastic step because they loved each other. His eyebrows rose slightly as she admitted to not knowing her own father.

That was unfortunate. Carson thought every kid should know who their parents were. He listened as she continued to explain, the anger in his system starting to ebb away. As devastated as he was to what had happened between them, he did feel sorry her. But he didn’t know the proper protocol for comforting her seeing as they were ex’s. “No one is a mistake Zaryn. Unplanned perhaps, but never a mistake. Every one is here for a reason. You shouldn’t let her get under your skin, even if she is your mum.” He figured offering advice would be the best way to try to comfort her.

More than ever he really just wanted to pull her into a hug, but he knew that was stretching his own limits on his own emotions. However, if she started crying, he probably couldn’t deal with that. He hated seeing girls cry. And even though he was at a loss right now, he couldn’t see her cry. Not again.

NOTES: oh boy...
WORDS: ---
TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!
CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center]

[zaryn kate oliver]

"not your fault," he mumbled. "besides, i'm used to it." her heart did a funny thing where it twisted unnecessarily. it was painful. she tried not to show it on her face. carson dropped his gaze to his feet as the gently-falling snow drifted around and landed on both of their toes.

he looked back up at her, eyebrows slightly raised, as she spoke, and in his eyes she could suddenly see that he felt sorry for her. god, that wasn't what she'd wanted! zaryn had only wanted him to know that she was screwed up, too. "no one is a mistake, zaryn," he told her after a moment of silence. a kid running through the park yelled excitedly as they ran around in the snow. zee barely heard it. "unplanned, perhaps, but never a mistake. everyone is here for a reason."

zaryn snorted and swallowed a lump in the back of her throat. that was so totally beyond cheesy. "if you'd heard her yell at me before, you'd know that's definitely not what she thinks. she doesn't care about fate and all that crap. she just thinks that i'm unnecessary and a failure..."

she trailed off, her voice disappearing as carson spoke again. "you shouldn't let her get under your skin, even if she is your mum." there was a strange expression on his face now -- something she couldn't quite decipher. pity and sadness and some sort of thing that looked like he wished he could... could what? she couldn't tell.

"i don't care if she's my mother," she said, and although her voice was quiet, there was a sudden venom in her voice. "she hates me; i hate her. it's as simple as that."

word count; enough...
wearing; this
muse; twisted, carrie underwood
notes; i sent you a pm. :)

[carson]

just talk yourself up

[/size]
A N D T E A R Y O U R S E L F D O W N
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Carson couldn’t believe they were actually having a civilized conversation. Part of him still wanted to walk away, to forget everything. But something, he wasn’t sure what, was keeping him here, talking to her. Perhaps it was the fact that she was actually opening up to him, when she never had when they were actually dating. It was weird having such a serious conversation, in the middle of a freak snowstorm of all things. It was a little weird to say the least. When he left his room, he hadn’t planned on either thing happening. He saw the expression in her eyes as he spoke, interested in seeing that she seemed upset that he felt bad for her.

He instinctively moved closer to zaryn as the little kid tore by them, not really wanting to get run over. His eyes softened even more as he listened to her talk about her mum. Her did feel sorry for her. He couldn’t imagine his parents hating him in any way. He knew why the rest of the family did, but not his parents. He sighed, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. “still… if you start believing what she says… it won’t get better. If you really think you’re a failure, you will be. But something tells me you’re better than that.” he knew he was stretching it to compliment her, but he didn’t want her thinking she was a failure.

Carson bit his lower lip as she talked, trying to wince when she said that she and her mum simply just hated each other. He swallowed, hesitantly reaching up to grip her chin lightly with his hand. The touch nearly broke him, but something in him made him feel like it was what he needed to do. “If she truly hated you, she never would have kept you. I’m sure on some level, she does love you.” He highly doubted that Zaryn would believe that statement, but he had to try. He watched the snow brush against her now rosy cheeks, trying to control the feelings that were rising inside his body. No, he couldn’t let everything come back, just couldn’t.

NOTES: dun dun dun...!
WORDS: ---
TAGGED: open!! OUTFIT: ta-dah!
CREDIT: made by HEY BAYBAY !? at caution. [/center]

[zaryn kate oliver]

the screeching child raced past them, and carson took a step closer to her, and her heart skipped a beat -- which was stupid, wasn't it? because she'd been the one to break up with him. how did it make any sense that she was feeling anything? "still," he said. "if you start believing what she says, it won't get better. if you really think you're a failure, you will be." gee, thanks. you think i'm a failure? "but something tells me you're better than that." ah, so he didn't think that zaryn was a failure. well, thank god for that.

his perfect eyes softened as he looked at her, and she melted. well, not really. but almost. she didn't notice that he was moving until his fingers brushed against her skin, keeping her face still by a light touch on the chin, so she couldn't look down and avoid what he was about to say. zaryn's skin tingled where it made contact with his, but she tried to ignore that. "if she truly hated you, she never would have kept you," he told her seriously. "i'm sure on some level, she does love you."

an ice-cold snowflake landed on zee's cheek, but she didn't move to brush it away. no, zaryn was frozen now, aside from the five points where his fingers were touching her face -- there, her skin burned. and she was sure that the colour was flooding to her cheeks; not that she could do anything about it. not to mention the fact that she wasn't sure if she wanted to do anything about it.

"don't say that," she hissed, and then wished she hadn't. she shut her eyes briefly so that she wouldn't have to see the surely hurt expression pass over his face, probably so similar to the one she'd seen when she'd ended it -- that expression had haunted her for god only knew how long. she sometimes still saw it when she closed her eyes, and this run-in with carson wasn't helping. "she doesn't love me at all. and even if she does, she's got a funny way of showing it. like, what kind of person shows that they love someone by hurting them...?"

she trailed off as she realized what was probably going to go through his mind now. zaryn oliver... yeah, zee was the kind of person who turned love into hurting someone.

word count; enough...
wearing; this
muse; jesus take the wheel, carrie underwood
notes; *plays epic music*