what's in your dirty laundry?

[the boss]

everyone has dirty laundry.
& scarlett scandal is just itching to dig into yours.
here are some texts from last night to use as plotting or
threading ideas. please limit your claims to two per week.

_{available ,}
·· whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
·· i don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it.
·· i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
·· so what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
·· he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
·· Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
·· hey, this is the drunk ass first year from last night. thanks a lot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
·· dude, i swear i heard "get out!!!" when i went down on her. i should've listened.
·· when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
·· I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't have it maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
·· i really wish my pants would only unzip when i'm sober
·· oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
·· The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
·· he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm. we're still sorting this out.
·· I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
·· Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
·· Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
·· i have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
·· P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
·· should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
·· In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
·· wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the big island pizza guy as a tip.
·· When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
·· Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
·· i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on filthy youth within 48 hours. not her week.
·· i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
·· Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
·· How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
·· All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
·· I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
·· Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
·· Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
·· Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans
·· What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
·· Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
·· I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process
·· Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
·· He probably just wants to be friends and here I am photoshopping our kids.
·· You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
·· I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
·· Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
·· Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
·· Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
·· I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
·· get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude just walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
·· You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
·· It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
·· It's official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
·· How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
·· He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
·· I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
·· Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
·· i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
·· You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...

inspired by poln

[the boss]

_{taken ,}

·· also- i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.	-- adam summers
·· dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425. i wanna make a pizza for afties	-- arturo nevés
·· sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?	-- aspen martinelli
·· apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar	-- austin william forge
·· hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why i woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? i want to hear this explanation.	-- charles matthieu
·· You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you took a shot	-- eulaline poe
·· ·· Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.	-- evangeline hopkins
·· come here. i'm drunk. family function. intense pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. bring republicans	-- kennis duffy
·· hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.	-- mallorie chevalier
·· awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?	-- meridith tallen

[the boss]

_{claim a text ,}

[/i] [/td][td]-- firstname lastname[/td][/tr][/code][/noubbc][/tt][/ul]

_{submit&claim a text ,}

[/sub][/i][/b]
[tr][td]·· [i]insert claim here
[/i] [/td][td][b][i]-- firstname lastname[/i][/b][/td][/tr][/noubbc][/tt][/ul]

_{submit a text ,}

[/sub][/i][/b]
·· text here[/blockquote][/blockquote][/noubbc][/tt][/ul][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Annette Prevot]

_{adding ,}
And why *again* did you get a tattoo that says 'brad' on it? You don't even know a brad!

_{claiming ,}
·· Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
-- Annette, Prevot

·· Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" again -- Annette, Prevot